We are not commonly aware of, nor do we usually identify, the larger number of nonviolent sociopaths among us, people who often are not blatant lawbreakers, and against whom our formal legal system provides little defense.
-Martha Stout, Ph.D.
Until I read Martha Stout's The Sociopath Next Door, there were maybe six or seven people I had known over the course of my life whose destructive, antagonistic behavior I never truly understood. Their actions troubled me long after I dissociated from them, for they stood at the center of a web of grief that they did not merely instigate, but seemed to cultivate. They appeared to tend to misery—my own and that of many others—the way that some people tend to a garden: nurturing it, taking pleasure in it, feeding off of it. I would always learn at some point to limit my exposure to them whenever I could, but too often I could not for professional or social reasons, and they therefore presented me with a problem far greater than the occasional bully or detractor. Yet as frustrating as having to deal with these people was—they could indeed make your life hell—the matter was made far worse for not understanding them, for I never knew what I should do differently if I had to deal with somebody like them in the future. They could not be genuinely placated or reasoned with. They lied without compunction. They schemed behind your back. And they simply would not leave you alone. Moreover, it was difficult to convince others what a menace they were, unless they witnessed their bizarre, malicious behavior firsthand.
To be abundantly clear, the difficulty presented by these people fell far outside of the norm. Everyone quarrels with others from time to time, but the challenge of these moments can, with effort, be overcome. Even a very difficult person can be dealt with if one is able to empathize with them and appreciate their perspective (however disagreeable) for from that position, negotiation becomes possible. I understand what you desire; I can tell you what I want. If we both yield and submit to one another to some degree, perhaps we can come away mutually satisfied, or even pleased by the result.
But what if someone negotiates insincerely as a matter of principle? Or if they insist on satisfying their desires entirely at your expense? Or if what they truly want, after all, is your suffering?
Dr. Stout's book addresses the psychology behind these dilemmas. By expressly bringing the nonviolent sociopathic personality into relief, she frees the term from exclusive association with the sensationalized Hollywood "Psycho" stereotype. This exposes a less bloodthirsty and far more obscure variety of sociopath1 who, despite not supplying the shocking headlines that a remorseless serial killer might, manages instead to wreak another sort of havoc in the lives of the innocent. Stout of course provides the general characteristics of this kind of sociopath, but a greater service is done here in supplying narrative examples of the particular subtypes, such as covetous or abrasive psychopaths. These stories are especially memorable and useful, elevating what would otherwise be esoteric psychological content to personally relatable archetypes that facilitate the recognition of real-life sociopaths far more than an abstract list of characteristics ever could. In terms of reading payoffs, there is nothing quite like having a former tormentor’s actions which had been frustratingly inscrutable become not only understandable, but so clear as to be predictable should you ever have to deal with such a person again.
Dr. Stout also provides simple, practical advice on how to identify and deal with sociopaths that most everyone should find indispensable. (Two of the biggest takeaways: sociopaths love playing the victim, and the best thing you can do if you identify a sociopath is avoid him or her as much as possible—don’t try to play their game.) Given the prevalence of sociopathy among the general population (estimated by the author as one in twenty-five) it is difficult to understate the importance of a book like The Sociopath Next Door, for I cannot think of any person I know well whose life has not been directly and severely impacted by someone who appeared to be a sociopath, and it is almost a certainty that no one is spared from their indirect influence.
On the balance, there is little to take issue with here from a layman’s perspective. Stout uses a taxonomy of 10 subtypes of psychopathy developed by Doctors Theodore Millon and Roger D. Davis, and I would have liked to have more than a mere list of those subtypes which do not appear in this book, but apart from that, what the reader finds missing is less a defect than a matter of scope. That so many people have a drastically aberrant and dysfunctional behavioral response to modern social and ethical considerations is of such great consequence that no single book can practically address all the implications, even in brief. A few examples: can someone without conscience become an upstanding member of society, and how can this be encouraged? To what extent were nonviolent sociopaths at the very center of a variety of human concerns historically addressed in fiction, religion, and politics before the field of psychology was able to clearly define and name the condition? What can be done at the organizational level to minimize the damage caused by nonviolent sociopaths? Such questions (and many, many more) come to mind, and I suppose that the emergent answers one hopes for shall go a long way to improving the human condition in general. But those are secondary matters: what is germane is for the reader to be able to recognize and deal with the nonviolent sociopath on a personal level.
It seems highly probable that an adequate modern education must someday include a deeper understanding of psychology, particularly those aspects of the subject which have the greatest impact in daily life. In this, Dr. Stout's book does its part, laying out the perplexing and extremely dangerous mind of the sociopath to the general audience in an accessible and actionable way that can be assumed to be useful to everyone at some point. I therefore regard the work as fairly essential, and recommend it to everyone. And given how skeptical one might be at being told that a book not recommended by their own spontaneous interest is essential, I should say this: if you do not already comprehend the psychology discussed here, however long you spend reading or listening to this book figures against time that you could lose when dealing with such truly pernicious individuals as someone far less prepared and effective than you might be otherwise. Had I read The Sociopath Next Door in 2006 when it was first published, I might have saved myself a lot of trouble.
Consider reading it. Protect yourself and protect those you love.
Not all experts agree on the synonymity of psychopathy and sociopathy, but Dr. Stout describes them as different names for the same thing, while noting that "anti-social personality disorder", the diagnosable condition found in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is thought of by many researchers and clinicians as being somewhat broader in its definition.